Fear of addiction still sticks to me like sap, seeping out through my rough and chiseled exterior. I have long been without the pangs of desire, the guilty victim of dependence. I look at myself throughout the day and think about thoughts. You know, those thoughtful thoughts we all have during the day when all is about. Why is water transparent? Who shot Kennedy? Where in the world is Carmen Santiago? I step back and find myself totally indulgent in my thoughts of you. It is you that makes me happy, in this ever morale depreciating life of being a student. As I reminisce with high school nostalgia, I cannot help but wonder how things would have been different if my addiction caught on sooner. Our lives littered with so many changes and turning points, it has been a wonder that I still managed to gravitate back to you. It is this wonder which I am really glad for, and think about when I think. As I sit here in my saddened state, I think about all the things that we have done and will do. Fear subsides the closer I am to you, both in person and in mind. Fear has you to fear. My sweetheart.

You know those times when you're driving on the freeway, and all of a sudden you are behind this old lady in her old car, cruising at 30 mph below the speed limit, and you start to get mad? What are you mad at? Most likely the lady in the car. But, should you really be mad at her? Why are you mad? Are you in a hurry to go somewhere? Maybe you should be mad at yourself for not alloting more travel time. That lady is not there to drive 20 mph on the freeway just to piss you off; she is there to teach you a lesson: slow down. You have goals in life. What are those goals? Well, that lady's goal in life is to drive 20 mph on the freeway in front of everyone else. Everytime you run into this lady, you should be reminded of your life's goals. Remember, don't be mad at the lady. Just slow down.

Postponed the project because the construction company went bankrupt.












Need to go to SF to pick up more wood. And maybe some money, too.

I've decided to make some drawings for the whatever I'm doing. I ran out of wood, again. Must go back to the store and get a few more pieces. I think I've almost cleaned out their mini 2x4s. meh.

So, lately I have started to build a small house with some scaled down lumber I got from some hobby store on Geary St. I searched hobby stored on Google Local and the only thing close was this one. It's an okay place. Kind of made me want to go eat some Korean BBQ because there are so many of those restaurants on Geary. I guess I'll start now:

This one is the bottom of the house; the foundation frame. Bought a pack of shims from home depot, glued two together, and used them as wood for the frame.


Here's the corner of the frame. Pretty boring. Woot for corners.


Completed one wall: the back wall. Took me forever to cut down the wood (1/16" scale 2x4's) from really long strips. Turned out nice and clean.


Price for the huge strip.


Window frame for one of the walls.




More of the wall.


The back wall, again. Completed with outside wall.




Starting on the second wall on the top.


Completely framed second side wall.




Stack of wood.


And, figuring out the flooring for the bottom frame.


Pretty bored, I am. I haven't been going to work for the past week because they're repaving some streets, the same streets where I always park. UCSF has the most horrendous parking situation I have ever experienced. I've once gone driving around for 30 minutes trying to find a parking space. Son of a shape. I need to go sleep now because they've finished repaving, which means I'm going to wake up early and go back to work. grr..

I am pretty bored now. I wanted to redesign my room, but it is kind of hard to do so because there isn't much space to work with. I think I will start a project... some sort of redesigning. This will probably be a think I'll do with Will Chui. If you want your room semi-professionally evaluated and have recommendations made on any readjustments, please submit your applications with us. Actually, don't. We'll probably just do it anyway. But, we will need measurements. mmmmm...measurements.

I found this program that is CAD but for legos. Crazy. Here's a studio that I would like. Of course, I don't want nubs all over my desk and floor. Maybe some nice wood floor paired with some inlaid suede. And maybe have a canvas workbench, with a built-in table square. mmm. now we're in business.

Time is money, people say, but how much? Does it change if you move to Santa Monica from West Covina? If so, which way would it change? Will it change if you get older? Like insurance rates? I can't help but think that all these aphorisms are just so damn ambiguous. They are supposed to conform into society, and be universally applicable. However, who has the universal culture? Do we all posses some of it in ourselves, or is it just a pier that we dock at just so we can relate to each other? Most likely, the human civilization started with one culture (if that culture were to eat and have sex, so be it) and it just obtained more and more additions to it as time progressed and as life became more complicated. There is a point where things branch out and spread all over the world. People are adventurous. Ah, being adventurous. Maybe that's one thing people can chat about together. I was studying for my Asian Visual Culture class earlier, and was thinking about how Buddhism could be a metaphor on human development. Ideas and thoughts were taken on and localized though the "trafficking" of Buddhist statues and images. One such instance was when monks moved an enormous statue of the Buddha from Sarnath, the place where Buddha gave his first sermon, to Matura, India. As the proceeded on the trade routes, they passed through many villages and towns, where the native people adopted what they got from the traveling monks and the large state, and shrink-wrapped it to their own lifestyles. So, each little town is its own happy little microcosms of Buddhism; very independent. But, the Buddhism itself is still the overlying link that binds all these different cultures together. So, is that was the so-called popular culture is? A vessel of ideas and generalities about people? I suppose that I, myself, take on popular culture because I know that interaction with other people is part of life. Something like joining CSA is like using a line at someone in a club. Both tap into a creative common that works as a bridge for connecting individuals with seemingly different lifestyles. So, popular culture isn't just a creation made to satisfy people with like tastes, but rather an indirectly derived method of connecting people.

Anyway, I'm still wondering about that time and money. So, what do I do? I google it. The only thing I found was this cost of sex calculator. Go figure.

I woke up at around 3PM today, after sleeping at the early hour of 5AM. I woke up to the deep, serenading bass-line coming from the room next door. Reverberations of the noise started to vibrate all the loose objects I have affixed to that side of the wall; my little IKEA lamp trembled like a cheap car with an expensive stereo system. This happened a lot during the past quarters, but has diminished in occurance after I kept on telling them to shut the hell up during finals week. I don't mind it all that much now, because it then gives me a good reason to pump up my shit. Let's see how they like the low notes to a Teresa Teng song.

So, I shimmy off my bed and sit down on my chair and check my messages on the computer. I don't know how I can sit at the computer all day and not do too much work. In thought, it seems highly unproductive, but in actuality I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. I'm getting so much done on the computer! Torrenting things here, rearranging my bookmarks, deleting my porn - I mean, cough, bookmarks. Anyway, computers are cool. They're chill.

Last night - talking to a good friend - is the reason I stay up so late. Not a long time ago, I used to be extremely closed to expressing my feelings. I would always be concerned that other people might see my problems or dilemmas as trite or awkward. I mean, all teenagers have the same problems. I am not sure when I changed, or rather, changed my stance on changing. I seemed to have been stuck in a place where I thought I wanted to be, but it ended up getting me nowhere. I suppose my social evolution skills were like that of an Amish person trying to debug a C++ program. I can credit many people for helping me get out of this change-phobic enclave, but not as much as one specific person. Her tough love and encouragements forcefully made me reshape my demeanor, and made me think about the effects is has on others. I realized that I wasnt't liberating people of my vexations, but rather maintainig a retaining wall to my inner self. People don't like that. Domeshape. So, that was before. I'm not sure how I'm doing now, but I think I'm doing okay. Talking to old friends about things other than classes or what their lunch consisted of makes me feel happy, something I haven't genuinely felt for some time. It doesn't mean that I was unhappy, but more like a yearning for satisfaction.

I tried to do my lab by candlelight tonight, but it didn't turn out so hot. I like candles. They are so calm and soothing, yet the main attraction to it is the flame, which is anything but. Does anyone have an explanation to this?

I really want to take a nice vacation somewhere with just friends. Some sort of retreat. Maybe we can scalp tickets at SBC Park to make some monies. Just to have some awesome fun, something that's a bit difficult to do at home. Need to think of more things to do at and around the yay area. I know, we should all go to a rave in the desert somewhere. Maybe in Nevada - the people might slowly move towards Vegas. Come on, everybody. Let's do something. As Haruki Murakami would say:

"'Dance,' said the Sheep Man. 'Yougottadance. Aslongasthemusicplays. Yougotta dance. Don'teventhinkwhy. Starttothink, yourfeetstop. Yourfeetstop, wegetstuck. Wegetstuck, you'restuck. Sodon'tpayanymind, nomatterhowdumb. Yougottakeepthestep. Yougottalimberup. Yougottaloosenwhatyoubolteddown. Yougottauseallyougot. Weknowyou'retired, tiredandscared. Happenstoeveryone, okay? Justdon'tletyourfeettop.' ... 'Dancingiseverything,' continued the Sheep Man. 'Danceintip-topform. Dancesoitallkeepsspinning....'"

guy (2:14:02 AM): youre a good friend
guy (2:14:31 AM): and alcohol makes you more honest, so...
guy (2:14:32 AM): night

Does life give you a chance to rethink what you have done? It always seems like there are more and more things to do and less time for you to tend to them. At times, one really needs to stop and say to themselves... do I want to keep on doing this? Can I just go back to how things were before, when it was simpler and had a comfortable nest that I could slip into and conform with?

There doesn't seem like much incentive to go on, since I still don't want to let go of the past. Is it because I have already found a perfect enclave in which I am to set myself into? What happened to me when I got out? I couldn't find it anymore. Why should I spend my time looking for some hole when I can make it for myself? Would if feel the same when I settle in? I don't know, and I don't care too much.

Why? Doesn't make too much sense. This doesn't make too much sense, either. I don't think this entry is supposed to mean anything. Just needed to fill up some space. Don't think too deeply. Don't think too much. Sweet dreams.

Time to pick classes again. I don't know what I should take, I don't even know if i should continue with math. I tried to talk to my advisor today but instead I had to make an appointment for Wed. I start signing up tomorrow, so that's a no go. Man, maybe I should take fingerpainting and get a degree online from many prestigious online institutions.

So I'm updating this. Feeling a bit bored now. There's a bunch of stuff on my desk, and I'm doing nothing all over it. I have books and papers in front of my keyboard so my forearms are giving my homework its needed pounding. Gee golly whiz. We should all get together and do karaoke. I'm not sure where, but somewhere. Not at any place in Japantown. They all look shady. I went down to one of them once, even though the sign at the door stated the minimum age of entrance was 21. I was with Evan, chui maybe, possibly chui jr and I don't remember who else. But they just stayed outside. Going downstairs and looking around reminded me of a book I read not long ago about a Gaijin (the Japanese name for referring to Westerners) going to Japan and soliciting an underground sex culture "tour guide." The whole novel is situated in an environment that was murky yet comfortable, shady yet safe, exciting yet complacent. It put you in a state of mind rather than a physical location. That was how I felt when I was by myself in this karaoke place. Ambient sounds became the accents of the area, rather than just background noise. I almost didn't want to leave because, for some reason, it gave me somewhat of a nostalgic feel. I don't know why. I don't even know what I was nostalgic over. Maybe it was a sense of companionship, because the main character in the book had a subtle bond to the tour guide as they progressed through their promiscuous and morbid night. Maybe I just needed someone to act as my tour guide. Someone, be my tour guide.

xing nian quai le

The most fondest memories I hold have to do with sleep, whether it may be myself or someone else doing the sleeping. Sleep removes inhibition in people (because why else would we snore?) and you see a person at their most honest. However, this also holds true when people are drunk. I was on the bus with someone and she was saying how you can determine the inner character of a person by observing them inebriated. I'll go for a more subtle approach when gauging my friends' person. I don't sit there and watch people sleep... that would be damn creepy. I like to just do whatever I was doing before and be absorbed in some kind of drugged-out, trippy memory excursion with Jack Johnson playing in my mental Winamp. This is a bit vague, but you like it that way, don't you ;D You want the details? Buy me some coffee..and an iPod... another iPod. Another one can't hurt =D

No one is here. It feels like fall weekends and new jeans. Thoughts of text rattle in scull like dried out wasps. Alarms; shriek and scream permit no large difference than the times that I am alone. Feels comforting but very restricting. I don't think that moon is too far on your bus, nor the distance that separates us. Bodies gravitate; souls integrate.

into something special: .

am i supposed to update this?

Today is one of the many days in a week. Today is one day in a week. A day in a week. Day of week. Weekday.

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